I tried to talk myself out of writing this post. I tried to say, I didn’t need to share this with you. I tried to minimize my feelings and remind myself that I am great, there is no need for this. The funny thing is, I know there is. Even if it is just putting my feelings on paper ( or in a wordpress ) to express them. To show another person the struggle I battle, and the guilt I feel. To let you know the Truth.
I am a Christian, I love God and have a full life. I serve in a ministry that is in place for healing the broken, which we all are at some point. I have an incredible family (blood, marriage, and church,) who loves me and is here for me when I need them. I have a career in Cosmetology, and am able to minister to people as I share with them, and help them feel the best they can about “self”. I have incredible friends that I know have my back and love me as I love them. I have this one thing that keeps me feeling inadequate.
This one subject causes these ugly flaws in myself to come out. I question my body and its capability. I question God and his heart. I look at others with envy. I look at myself as though I am not enough. I get angry at times and emotional at others. This keeps me falling short.
Firstly in regards to the infertility battle, I do NOT feel like my life is incomplete without a baby. I do NOT feel the desperation that I see in forums and such that are there to help other deal with this struggle. This makes it even harder when the struggle is at a peak for me. I don’t understand why the desire is so strong, why it hurts when I hear of others getting pregnant who haven’t been trying near as long as us. I feel like if it isn’t to be written in our “Book,” so to speak then that is ok. I have a full life and I trust COMPLETELY that we will be provided what we need and more. Why does my flesh continue.
Lets discover the physical aspects of what goes on month to month. For myself, this has totaled a number of 24 months. The first week in pregnancy you are to look for these symptoms; digestive issues, fatigue, mood swings, tender breasts and hormonal changes. No big deal right? Here is the irony, EVERY one of those symptoms are also symptoms of PMS. The first two months we “Tried,” counting days taking temperature so on and so forth.. I will not go into all of the many ways and theory’s there are of how to track. Anyone going through infertility knows this battle already and if it interests you then by all means look it up, but that isn’t what I’m here to discuss. After two months I knew that this was literally insanity. I couldn’t continue with this or I would lose my mind. So for the next year, Every month I would get my hopes up, then crashed to the ground when I realized it was just Aunt Flow knocking at the door. Not to mention the isolation that happens because your Husband cant feel this, so he is in blissful ignorance of the process I deal with each month. I cant explain how overly confusing it is emotionally to physically feel change, but only to be let down. F-FWD a year of that insanity and we come to the point of accepting this may just not be the plan for us.
Each month though, I still get that twinge of hope.
After dealing with the rollercoaster for two years and seeing those around you get pregnant especially those who dont even want a child and let alone be able to provide for a child. I begin to question God. “You tell me to ask you, ask for what it is I need or desire, I have. Why is it you haven’t provided but you give that gift to people who abuse and have no desire for children? I am not asking you again, if I do and it doesn’t happen for us I cant, not, have a seed of bitterness. I refuse to ask you again.” I hated to write out that statement. It is so ugly and selfish, but that is exactly what I said. The roller-coaster of continually getting let down has caused some bitterness in my heart and I DO NOT LIKE IT. I do not want to be cynical. That is not my character.
Oh the Green Eyed Monster. She is so not my friend but has definitely become an acquaintance that I have spent a bit of time with lately. Once again this is not my character and it hurts to fall short. I want to be happy for everyone who gets pregnant but that is such a battle. I genuinely get excited for the couples who post their announcements about growing their family. It is such a wonderful thing and I smile for them sincerely. The truth is, after that smile I end up looking inwardly at my inadequacies, at my lack of favor at My flawed body. At that point self loathing and envy sets in.
Every once in a while I have an emotional day and break down crying.
I don’t like feeling loss over something I never had. I do not want to have this desire placed in my heart if it is something that will never happen for my husband and I. I get mad about it, which I know is just a default emotion that acts as a cover for sad. That anger turns to bitterness over time and I do not want bitterness poisoning my life. I pray about it and give it to God but I guess this is just one of the battles that I have to deal with
. I know that if it is supposed to happen than it will. The process between now and then however, is not easy.