Wandering

At times I feel as though I am wandering around.  I remember growing up I would get so upset with my mom for piggybacking on whatever interest I was involved in at that time.  I wanted to have my own individuality, an identity apart from her.  One of her friends reminded me when I was in my early 20’s, “Have you ever considered that your mother doesn’t know who she is that is why she is searching through your interests?”  That moment was a complete epiphany, the anger dissipated.   I felt sad that she was unsure of what she wanted, and wondered how did she get there.  I am finding that my own journey has taken turns and twists along the way and I feel like I am at crossroads quite a bit and unsure which area I should pour myself into. I am a part of many great things, but I feel torn on where my focus should be.  I am good at many things, but I know if I streamlined my efforts into one fully my results would have more impact.

I enjoy my career but I often feel like it lacks purpose.  I tell myself I should be making more of a difference in the world.  I don’t feel “Successful,” with my career as a cosmetologist.  Success can be measured in different ways of course.   When a bride feels amazingly beautiful in her own skin I believe that is a success. To the contrary, when color theory just doesn’t pull off the requested end result I tend to turn inwardly.  Maybe I overlook the day to day difference I make in women’s life by the simple things like covering their gray hair or teaching them which products will tame their curls the most effectively.  I know these simple things can play a valid role in a woman’s esteem..  There are always places to fill on my schedule.  I consistently find areas that need polishing and fine tuning,  and reasons that my work isn’t “Good enough,” yet.  Maybe it is the perfectionism nature that was planted so long ago that I get discouraged with anything less than perfection.  Or maybe it is time for a change.

WholyFit.  I absolutely love WholyFit.  I love teaching, I love studying for the scriptures to recite and the routines to put into play.  There is something special about the ministry WholyFit.  Something very powerful about worshiping God through movement.  Obedience with detoxifying your muscles through stretching out of reverence to God is truly a powerful thing.  There is always an attack when you’re working towards something great, and I have experienced exactly that through working towards certification as well as many other obstacles that pertain to WholyFit.  One of the biggest problems in taking WholyFit to the next level is  WholyFit doesnt make me enough money.  Even if I was doing it full time, it wouldnt carry any weight financially.  I would have to be doing one on one training daily to make any substantial money.  This is discouraging when you felt called to pursue the ministry but you still need to put food on the table.

Then there is CR.  A love of my life, the ministry that changed my life.  This living, breathing ministry stole my heart.  It transformed my soul, taught me forgiveness of my abusers.  I have an understanding of Gods Character now.  I learned what leading by example looks like here.   God is at work in this ministry, and He is changing lives.  This is where my heart is.  I have been in CR close to 7 years now.  I feel like this is  where my purpose lies, to share my testimony and teach this ministry and see other lives transform.  I know that you should speak forth what is right and true and speak into existence what you want to happen.  I want to do CR full time.  I want to have time around the clock to mentor women and guide them through the steps.  Offer an option to replace their poor habits with habits such as WholyFit.  I want this for my life. I want to walk alongside women day by day who are searching and guide them to God and hopefully reach them with my own testimony.  I want my career to be centered around Christ and healing.  What is the present dilemma? CR is strictly a volunteer ministry, and rightfully so.  No doubt there are churches who bring on their ministry leaders on staff and see them flourish but that is the exception not the rule.  This is something we give to, not take from.  I just want to live my life doing it and be able to provide for my family in the process.  I am in a place now that I am trying to figure out what would be the next right move.  When a desire is placed on my heart should I step out in pursuit, or stay where I am now and stay being used where I am presently?  I was talking about options of how to pursue a career in ministry.  There are options for biblical counselors for example.  Would this be a path I would consider taking?  I’m not sure.  I do know that I will do WHATEVER I am called to do.

Our lives take these winding turns, in careers in hobbies, in hopes and dreams.  I believe they change as we change, our growth changes the trajectory in our life which at times leaving us feeling a bit lost.  I know who I am, most importantly, who I am in Christ which is what really matters.  I know if I remember that first then the rest will come eventually as long as I am prayerfully seeking.  In the moment, when I’m standing too close however, it can seem a little vague.  We each have a journey. This is a piece of mine.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s